Wendy's space

I absolutely love the song "Why Walk When You Can Fly", by Mary Chapin Carpenter. I was thinking about this song today, and how it applies to my life and my weight loss.

In this world there's a whole lot of trouble, baby
In this world there's a whole lot of pain
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble
But a whole lot of ground to gain
Why take when you could be giving, why watch as the world goes by
It's a hard enough life to be living, why walk when you can fly

In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow
In this world there's a whole lot of shame
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow
And a whole lotta ground to gain
When you spend your whole life wishing, wanting and wondering why
It's a long enough life to be living, why walk when you can fly

In this world there's a whole lot of cold
In this world there's a whole lot of blame
In this world you've a soul for a compass
And a heart for a pair of wings
There's a star on the far horizon, rising bright in an azure sky
For the rest of the time that you're given, why walk when you can fly

For many years in my life I was resentful for many things. There was always pain, always the feeling that someone was hurting me or was out to harm me. I wasted so long living in the shadow of the sorrow, shame, and blame. The whole time, I could have been out there living life. I was playing the victim. Woah is me, my husband is a cheater. Woah is me, I have no friends. Woah is me, my life isn't what I want it to be. Well, guess what, it was that way because I LET IT HAPPEN. The only one I can blame for my unhappiness as an adult is myself. Yes, that's right, I said it, I can only blame myself.

Instead of searching within myself for the answers, I turned to food. It held comfort, it held an escape. But what it could never hold for me was the answers. I could not understand why my husband did the things that he did, so I ate. I didn't understand why I had no close friends. And I couldn't understand why my life was falling apart. As I grew larger, my world grew smaller. I now see why.

Yes, my husband holds the blame for his actions, for his cheating, but you know what, I have to own up to my part. So, yes, I take my blame for the past. No, I didn't want to go out in public places. I was just happy sitting in front of the TV, eating, being alone. For the longest time, I didn't want to have sex. To me, him asking was just annoying. He only asked me for sex out of pity, right? I was tired and I hurt.  I ran around the house in sweats and whatever I could find that fit. It wasn't important for me to dress up, or to be girly. I always thought, "what's the point?" no was going to notice. That was the problem though, someone did notice, my husband. Instead of standing up for myself and saying I am worth happiness, I sat back and just existed.

Only now, at almost 29 years do I see life with a renewed sense of aw. And for the first time, in a very long time, I hold on to hope. I know that I had to end my relationship with food. It will not have that power over me. Sure, there are times when I get stressed that I reach for those salty chips, or that cookie. That's when I stop and think "That's not what I want. That won't fix it.". At that point I scream, cry, yell, just let it all out. I will be mad. I will be angry. I will be happy. I do NOT want to be fat. I do NOT want to be unhappy another day.

No food has the power over me now. There's no pizza that can give me the feeling of fitting into a size 16. No cake or cookie can give me that rush of working out for two hours. No potato chip can give me the sense of accomplishment that WW has. I will not give food that power.

No matter what happens between my husband and I, I know now that I have strength. I love myself, and that is something hard for me to say. How could he love me, if I couldn't love myself. We are working on us. Sure, it's going to be a long hard road. But, rest assured there will be no Big Mac stops along the way. There is no more walking, only flying.

Sometimes I think that it's just not fair. I want to pout and stomp my feet. I mean, why does it have to be so hard? Why can't I just be there already? I want to be at that point in my weight loss where I am comfortable about my body, about, about who I am.

There is no exaggeration when I say that my life revolves around what time of day I should eat, going to work, and working out. There are no exceptions. When I miss a day of working out, I am disappointed in myself. It's like "Okay, here we go down this slope again. I'm going to gain it all back. All my work will be for nothing." But why, why do I beat myself up over it. Is it because I don't think I can do it?

No, that's not it, at least not entirely. I am such a people pleaser. I always have been. Since the time I can remember, I always wanted everyone else to be happy. I am seeing now, that my weight loss is making everyone happy. There's a fear that if I don't go to the gym that I will be letting someone down, and if I do that, then I will be a failure.

Why do I do that? Why do I let what other people think of me determine my path in life? This journey is about me. I am not losing the weight for anyone else, I am doing it for me, so why do I care so much.

This weekend when I went to visit my family, everyone commented about my weight loss. It was hard not to notice. People would say things like "You look so great, not that you didn't look good before, but you look great now." Of course the cynical part of me was thinking "Wow, was it REALLY that bad before?" At one point, I wanted to tape a piece of paper to my chest asking people not to comment on my weight loss. Yes, I am very appreciative of the compliments, but towards the weekend I become very self conscience. It almost seemed like it wasn't happening to me, but to someone else.

There was a highlight however, something that I have NEVER been before, someone's perfect size. A few friends and I went out for a drink Saturday. We were all sitting around talking when one friend said to me: "Can I ask you a personal question? What do you weight now, like 160 pounds?" I laughed, thanked her  and told her that I was at 209. She told me that I didn't look it. She said that in the next few weeks she was going to have weight loss surgery done, and she wanted to know what she would look like at her goal weight, which is what I am at now.

I was shocked, me, at someone's goal. I had a body someone wanted. Well, hit me with a stick and call me stunned. I have never been the gal that people look at as attractive, fit, or thin. I have always been the girl that would look at someone else and think "God, I wish I had a body like that" or "Why can't I be thin".

To be honest though, I wouldn't appreciate if it came easy. I see people who can eat whatever they want, and never gain an ounce. Or those who never have to workout, yet seem to have the perfect body. Sure, who wouldn't love that? But, I have to say, I can say I did it the right way and the hard way. There are never any easy answers, only easy outs.

Right now, I guess I am just lost in transition. I still see myself as the 370 pound fat girl. When people talk about "fat" or "overweight" people, I still say "we". My mind goes right back there. I suppose it always will. I don't see this healthy fit girl. I see that girl that is still struggling. I hope one day, I can find that place where I fit.

Well, here it is June. A blazing June day, a nice warm 98 degrees. I was thinking today about how far I have come. Well, with pride I say that I am at 209.2 pounds. I would have never imaged that I would ever say that. I am now 10 pounds away from being under 200 pounds. I have lost 161 pounds in two years.

The last time I can remember that was in high school. I can remember exactly where I was when I saw that number on the scale. I was at home, in my parents bathroom. I pulled out the scale and stepped on. I could not believe my eyes. I was at 200 pounds. That just couldn't be. I stepped on the scale again, and sure enough, the number never changed. That was back in 1997, the year I graduated high school.

Here I sit, 11 years later, so close to that weight. This time it's with joy. I yearn for the day that I am under 200 pounds. Right now, I am 40.2 pounds away from the goal weight that I set for myself two years ago. I never would have thought it possible to lose 100 pounds, let alone 161 pounds.

I must say though, that the journey has been bittersweet for me. It's never been easy. Along the way I have had my fair share of obstacles. I've had to face things in my life that I wasn't ready to face. I had to accept my successes and failures. I had to look into the mirror and find who I was and who I wanted to be.

There have been people along the way who, without intention (I hope), have tried to stand my way. They have tried to lessen or cheapen my success. To them I must say; I did this the hard way and you can't take that from me. I worked every day for the past two years to be where I am today. There was no "easy out" for me. There was no magic pill or surgery that did this for me. There was no powder or food that helped me. It was my mind against my body. It was hard work and determination that lost the weight. No, I didn't starve myself. Each day I ate and never deprived myself of anything. I did it the HEALTHY way.

On so many occupations when I would walk, the next day i couldn't walk to the bathroom in the morning because my feet would kill me. But I kept walking, kept going. My knees would ache, my body would complain, but I pushed forward. There were times that I remember sitting in my car before going into the gym crying, thinking to myself "Why bother, you will always be fat." But, sure enough, I opened that car door and walked into the gym and completed my workout.

This new body and this mind set were not handed to me. It's something that has taken blood, sweat, tears, pain and time to have. When people ask me how I did it, the answer is always "Weight Watchers and exercise", because that is the truth.

With that said, I must confess, I keep trying to tell myself that there is no magic number. When I started Weight Watchers, I always thought that number would be 169, my goal weight. I though, once I reached that, everything in my life would fall into place. But, the closer I get, the more I realize, it's not true. There is no magic number, no magic weight. I am the same person I was at 370, just with less fat and more self confidence. There are times when I look in the mirror or see a photograph now, and I don't recognize the woman I see. For so long, there was another face staring back. The face I would see is someone who was struggling to find herself, to find her place in this world. That face has changed, I have changed.

I am stronger now. I have more confidence than ever before in my life. I know that I am worth it now. I am worth love and worth happiness. I am worth the weight loss. I worth this life I have been given.

Well, here it is May. Yes, summer is right around the corner. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and I have been out walking. So, how have I been? Well, wonderful. Right now, as I sit here typing, I am proudly wearing my 16W jeans, looking cute as can be. I am now officially at 218 pounds, 49 pounds away from my Weight Watchers goal of 169 pounds. So that means, I am 49 pounds closer to getting my tattoo.

I've been very good about using my points. Now, I am down to 26 points a day. Which equal to around 8 points a meal. I've changed my diet some. I've changed my breakfast to one packet of weight control oatmeal in the morning. Subway 12 inch turkey on wheat (no cheese, no Mayo) for lunch, then a turkey and turkey pepperoni wrap for dinner. Sometimes I will have a snack in between, but this is a typical day. I do indulge in the occational piece of chocolate, or an ice cream cone from McDonald's. On Weight Watchers I get an additional 35 flex points to use a week, and activity points. I earn around 60 activity points a week. On Weight Watchers I don't feel deprived, I am always full.

Do I miss out on things...absolutely not!  Yesterday, in the first time in forever, I sat comfortably in a theater seat with my arms beside me in the seat. I sat with my legs crossed. Before my knees would bang against the seat in front of me, and I would just give up trying to find a comfortable position. Yesterday I walked 2.75 miles to the grocery store (then 2.75 miles home). This is something I could have never dreamed of doing before. It was up hill both ways. Once I was home, I realized I was feeling great.

It's been a long journey, almost two years, but it's been worth every step. Here I am 152 pounds less, and I can't wait to hit my goal. I can do this!

It's sad that I haven't wrote in a while. I just don't have the time that I had before. I know this is not a good excuse, but it's an excuse. So, how's my "diet" been going? Well, I have to say that WW has been wonderful to me. Today at my weigh in, I weighed 226.2 pounds. I am officially 27.2 pounds away from being under 200 pounds, and 1.2 pounds away from my mini goal of 225 pounds. Looking at those numbers is surreal to me. Honestly, how was I ever at one point 370 pounds. It's like it's someone else's life that I am looking at.

Last night when I pulled on my pair of size 16W jeans, I thought I was going to faint right on the spot. Me, in a size 16 jeans? It must be a  dream. I mean my prom dress, 11 years ago was a size 18. My chorus dress in 10th grade (13 years ago) was a size 16. I looked in the mirror, and didn't recognize the girl standing before me. It's like I am a new person.

Sure, I still have my belly pouch that is getting saggy with weight loss, but it's so much smaller. I have lost over 12 inches in my waist alone. There's loose skin in my thighs, along with muscle and definition. My bat arms are disappearing, and now I see little muscles poking up in the fat's place. In my forearms I see wonderful muscle definition. In short, I see my hard work paying off. How can I not? I have lost 38.8 percent of my body fat. I've gone from a BMI of 56.3 to 34.4, a change of 38.8 percent.

How have I gotten this far? To be honest, I had to look to God and myself for strength. First to God, I thank him for all the weight loss blessings that I have. Without him, I would not have the inner strength to go on. He's the one who has given me this wonderful blessing. Then I had to look to myself. This is has been the hardest part of all. I had to find something in myself that wasn't there before.

There are times when:

• I don't want to go the gym.
• I want to eat something greasy, grimy, and not good for me.
• The last thing I want to do is yoga, pilates or the weight ball.
• Two repeats of 15 reps should be enough, why overdo it?
• 45 minutes instead of 70 is enough on the elliptical...

I mean who is going to know.

I am going to know, that's who. It's during these times that I say to myself:

• Why give up now, you have come so far? Go to the gym, One hour is not going to kill you.
• You  know that food is what made you fat in the first place, you don't want to go back there do you?
• You need weight and core training, without it, you will be thinner but the same unbalanced person.
• Why do something half way....go hard or go home. Why waste your time if you are not going to give 100%.
• It's these 35 minutes at the end that you are aiming for. The leg of the race is the easiest, it's the end that the winners are made.

Sure, I still have a long way to go, before I hit my goal of 169.0 pounds. I am 72% to my goal. I know that I can do this. I can and will lose the 57.2 pounds to get to my goal weight. The only thing in this world that can stop me, is me. There's no way at this point I am going to stop. I have come to far and lost too much to stop now!